* Spoiler Alert *   Did you see last night’s Parenthood?  I loved the moment where Amber finally “gets it” that Max simply cannot tell the difference between a sincere and a false apology through facial expressions and voice – the nonverbal cues.   Her  idea to help him learn the difference by watching YouTube videos of public apologies (Bill Clinton) and parsing out the eye contact, the smile or frown, the tone of voice, etc. was creative, clever and most of all, simple.  It didn’t require a fancy curriculum, or post graduate training.  It didn’t require specialized equipment (note the old Mac they were using!) or expensive training materials.  It required creative thinking, patience and a willingness to take the time necessary to teach the subject matter.   I’ve used this sort of thing many times and I know many parents who have done the same.  You can do it “old school” and create a social story using family photos and handwritten notes, you can go high tech and use your Iphone.  You can rent the Brady Bunch episode where Peter’s voice changes (thank you Netflix!) and explain the maturation process while singing “It’s time to change”.   Sometimes the most important skill that we need to have in working with our loved ones with ASD is creativity.

Speaking of creativity – did you catch the news?  Carol Grey is finally coming back to Connecticut!  Creator of Social Stories™ and comic strip conversations, Carol is a dynamic presenter with lots of information and hands on tools you can use in school, at home, in the community and in the workplace to help teach social skills to our kids and adults with ASD.  Save the date, Saturday, April 28, 2012 for the 22nd Annual Statewide Conference on Autism.  Lots more information on our website.  See you there!

So I took a poll the other day (very unscientific – I asked a question on our Facebook page) asking my autism friends what was the most useful thing someone told you when your child was first diagnosed.  The overwhelming response was to connect with other parents.   Interestingly enough, that is the first piece of advice I give to any parent, whether their child is newly diagnosed or they’ve been at this for a while now.   I remember a mom of a young kid (I think about 4 years old) had called me and I invited her to come along to our support group that afternoon and meet some other moms.  She clearly was having a tough day.   She arrived and told us, through her tears, how she had just had a difficult conversation with her mother who refused to believe that her son was anything other than a “picky eater” and how it was HER fault that he wouldn’t eat any more than 5 foods.   Just at that moment, one of the other moms perks up and says “FIVE?  He eats FIVE foods?  We only eat 3 at my house . . . “  The look on our new mom’s face was priceless.  She had found her peeps!   What a gift, to be with others who have “been there, done that” and truly understand what it is you are dealing with.   In my support group, we talk, we vent, we cry, we laugh, we share resources and information (sometimes we even go and do karaoke and drink wine).  We also cook meals for members who are sick or have just given birth to a new baby, we attend PPT meetings, we arrange play dates, we use each other as our emergency contact for school (who else will not be fazed by any “behaviors” your child may have) we support each other.   So, to quote another mom “. . . none of the advice any of the “expert professionals” gave us was worth a thing. Didn’t get any good advice until I started talking with other moms.”   Find a local support group here.

Can’t find one?  Got a group who wants to start one?   Drop us an e-mail and we can help you get started.  You’ll be off and running (or supporting!) in no time.

*SPOILER ALERT* – If you haven’t watched LAST week’s Parenthood on TV, don’t read on!

The thing that struck me the most about this episode (where Max’s wonderful behavioral aide leaves the family abruptly) was the look on Kristina’s (the mom) face when she heard the news. I’ve seen that look many times.  That “deer in the headlights” look that a parent gets when there is going to be a change in the program for their child,  most especially when things are going well. One of the most difficult things we have to face as parents is that there is no one right answer for our kids and for their autism.  There is no one right program, one right solution, one right intervention, no “magic pill”.  And most certainly, there is no one right person who alone, like Annie Sullivan, will miraculously help our child.

In the early days of living with autism, it is natural to want to hold on tight to the intervention that is working right now, to the person who seems to be able to get your unruly child to sit, to pay attention, to learn, to be “less autistic”.  Oh, if it were only that easy.  As any parent who has been at the “autism game” for any length of time will tell you, things change. People come and go. Time passes and you must move from the home based birth to three program to preschool, to elementary school, middle school, high school and (gulp) adulthood. Your child changes and their needs and how their autism presents itself changes. What works today may not work tomorrow. The great behavioral aide may change jobs, get married, have a child, go back to school. It is so tempting to place all of our hopes and dreams on the abilities of one person.  But it takes a village. It truly does. It takes a team of people, family and professionals working together, to help a child with autism succeed in our neurotypical world.  We need to teach our kids about transition and we ourselves must learn to embrace change.  That para professional who is magical with your child in second grade may be reassigned and guess what?  The next para professional meets your child fresh, sees them with new eyes, different expectations and may even prove to be as good (or better than) the one that you are so sad to see leave. Change is inevitable. Railing against it is useless. We must learn to embrace it, to learn from what works (and what doesn’t!) so that we can be prepared for the changes that life must bring to all of us. Whether we want them or not.